Hoo boy, I am feeling irritable. Not healthy irritable, but hypomanic irritable. They are forecasting a blizzard and I need groceries. The grocery store will be a mob scene. A grocery trip is necessary, so I need to let go of my anxiety about it.
The lights are brights. There are a multitude of brightly colored packages all vying for my attention. There are loud, distorted announcements over the PA. There is a mad rush of people trying to get toilet paper, bread, milk and eggs before they all sell out. These people careen their carts just like they drive. They call us Massholes for good reason.
My biggest fear is going into a rage, right here, in front of all these people. I can’t help but run the scenario in my mind about what would happen. Would I be asked to leave? Would I be banned from the store? Would they call the police? Would I rage at a policeman? Can I get my items and get out without raging?
I need lunch meat. It’s the only thing I feel like eating these days. Hypomania takes away my appetite.
Oh good, the deli kiosk or as I call it, “ordering for shy people”. I place my order on the deli kiosk touch screen and then it is time to wait. I’ll push my cart over here out of the way. I hope my order comes up soon. Ah, someone needs to get to that refrigerator, I move my cart over to this out of the way place. Boy, I can’t wait to get home. Oh, my carts in the way again. I’ll move it over here. I wonder how long it will be before my cart is in the way again.
There’s my housemate. I am so glad she sees how bad off I am and is being supportive. We ask a clerk what is taking so long. I receive my meat and too many apologies. I just want to leave.
The Down syndrome bagger is putting my bottles in single plastic bags and the bags are breaking. He places them in the cart anyway. Luckily my housemate is there to help him. The man behind me sighs, because we are taking too long. I just want out.
I finally make it out of the store and drive home. All I want to do is hide. I lock the door with no intention of going out for a long, long time.
©2017 Stephen L. Martin
Painting: Leonora Carrington – The artist traveling incognito