What is holding me back.
- Rarely having the energy to shower, brush my teeth or get dressed.
- That I get exhausted if I brush my teeth.
- On bad days, I don’t have the energy to eat or get out of bed.
- Not feeling like anything is worth exerting myself for.
- The thoughts about how crappy the world is, how crappy life is and how I would be better off dead.
- This feeling that is so terrible, I think about killing myself just to get away from it.
- Feeling helpless and hopeless
- Knowing that only someone with my level of depression understands.
- Knowing that others feel helpless and feel burdened by my depression.
- Others getting angry with me.
What I wish I could change to get better.
- My two alleles (genetic mutations) that make converting folic acid to L-methylfolate difficult for my body. L-methylfolate regulates the synthesis of the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
- That taking L-methylfolate capsules worked for me like it does other people.
- That brain would make the proper amounts of the neurotansmitters.
- That my cocktail of medication would prevent relapses.
- Some people are cured of depression by psychotherapy. I wish I could find psychotherapy that worked for me.
- That it wasn’t so difficult to get electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). For outpatient treatment, the waiting list is three months. Checking into a hospital is expensive even with insurance, they are no fun and there is no guarantee that they will accept you for a series of ECT’s.
©2016 Stephen L. Martin
Painting: Forest Witches by Paul Klee